The Lost Weekend

So, I was all geared up to talk about how I had gone wrong this past weekend, when God and his infinite wisdom pulled the plug on my story and crashed the Blogger server. It was then I had to take a minute and decipher what I really wanted to get out. On my weekly visits to Mamai and Papai's, I usually get on the scale to check my progress. I was scared to do so this week, because I had gone buck crazy this past weekend.

But when I stepped back and thought about my merciless shenanigans, I began to realize I didn't go crazy. I actually ate like a normal person would during a party. For my anniversary, sure I went for broke and ordered Crab Rangoon, but I paired them with Steamed Pork Dumplings. For Diddles' birthday, which made up my lunch and dinner, I had three slices of pizza, two chicken wings and a small helping of General Gau. I practically worked that off in the bouncy and walking around (alright gimping around) and chasing children.

Even during the week I had written my trainer, Jay (shout out to Exercise Solutions RI), telling him I feel like I was backsliding. He set my ass straight by saying I can't cheat on myself. I needed to get a hold of me. Folks, you gotta know, all my life, I've lived by that stupid sin, Gluttony. I always felt like I have to eat that hole chocolate mousse pie. I must inhale that Cool Whip sandwich dunked in Kool Aid. Yes, I must eat the entire box of Lil Debbies thwarting my sister's snacking. Oh, wait, why bring home half that pad thai, when I can finish it now? Ooooooh, Reese's Peanut Cups, mmmmmm! I never realized how to stop or savor a treat.

These last couple of months, it began to sink in that I can eat like a normal person is supposed to eat. A friend of mine, whom I have lunch with everyday (shout out to M. Frank), when I first started the restructure, kept mentioning the portions I was eating weren't enough. I began looking at the meals and started doubting what Mr. Jay had mapped out. Maybe this wasn't enough. I felt full, but was it enough? I had snackies, but were they enough? Hmmm. Then I gots to reading and doing and realized, crap, this is enough.

Still a bit doubtful, I sat down and wrote out an old menu of things I would have in each sitting in one day, then did a calorie count of those things. After I was done, I almost had a breakdown. In fact, I cried by myself.

If you have weak constitutions, I suggest you turn away, folks. This can get a lil' gross:

Breakfast:
Fried egg with the yolk, cheese, pork sausage on a bagel/English muffin - Tim Ho's (540 calories), DD (490 calories), McDonald's (452 calories)
Large buttered caramel coffee with extra cream and sugar - 125 calories

Total caloric intake between 665 - 577 calories

Lunch at Rock Bottom:
2 Titan Toothpicks - 612 calories
Classic Mac N Chicken - 1,430 calories

Total caloric intake was 2,042 calories

Dinner at Apsara:
8 Crab Rangoons - 560 calories
Green Curry Chicken with a bowl of white rice - 512 calories
Dessert from Friendly's Reese's PB Sundae - 1,330 calories

Total caloric intake 2,402

Total Daily intake for just one day was approx. 5,109

Folks, do you feel your heart lurching? Is there bile pressing up against your gums and burning your teeth? That was ONE day in my life of eating. That was me destroying my insides, because I didn't know how to just say, "Stop!" No wonder I was so mean and cold-hearted. NO wonder I was so huge. No wonder my body ached. No wonder I was going for broke week after week. If I could do that to myself, WTF! Breath, breath... Sorry, y'all, I went there again. I sometimes have moments where I get really mad at myself. It's kinda hard to look at the mirror every morning and realize you are your own domestic violence case in one body.

These last 12 weeks have shown me a new look at life and food. It's made me have a new relationship with how I treat myself. I began to learn that whatever I eat made up my framework. I noticed that the more high protein my diet became the more toned I got. The more fruit and water I ate and drank the more my skin looked clearer and rosier. Dude, I looked like I was fit for a coffin - I was so pale. Actually, the cast of Twilight called and wanted me to join. I declined. Thanks.

The more veggies I scarfed the more regular I felt (that's right, I said it - poop happens, deal with it!) . I didn't miss white rice (once and awhile in my sushi was all I needed). Fried foods began to actually taste oily to me. Let me tell you, I paid for those Crab Rangoons with a couple of worships to the porcelain temple for two days.

And, can I just say, the right foods can make you feel sexy. I love sashimi! Especially, salmon. After eating that, I feel like I can do a photo shoot for Italian Vogue - naked (with a satin blanket). Yes, I have thought about it. Anyway, the only casualty to this restructure thing has been my hair from all the sweat I've doused on it, but that can be fixed with a trip to Ms. Shanna's hair studio.

As I continue with this internal redecorating, be aware, I am 2lbs less (I finally did brave the scale), 24lbs lighter overall, 8lbs to my wedding weight, and have elliviated 144lbs of pressure from my knees (thanks, Jay, for teaching me that) . My RA bothers me, but I can actually fight it better. My hope is rising. My relationships are better (I can play tag with Diddles and that is awesome). The house is starting to look good, too.

Over three months ago, I was so scared, people. I hated everything (no really, I did). I dreaded waking up. I dreaded walking. I hated taking my meds. I hated my clothes. I hated my skin. I was so done with it, but humans are quirky. Sprinkle a little tragedy and cellulite on'em and some of them just bounce up ready to brawl. I'm glad I'm fighting and I know a lot of y'all are fighting with me. Thanks. Pray for me, y'all.