Bundchen and Her Boobs Need to Cool It

In my daily perusal of the news, I came across supermodel, Gisele Bundchen, trending on Yahoo! Por qua, I thought. Little did I know that both me and my boobs would be raped of our womanhood. Gisele, in her high on mommy hood soap box, declared [insert snooty, Brazilian accent here], "I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breast-feed their babies for six months."

Well, Gisele, write me up a ticket or toss me in the local pokey, because, unfortunately for me, I cannot breastfeed. That's right! Not because I don't want to, but because the doc's told me I can't. I take certain medicines that could be potentially harmful to my child and so I was banned from lending my kid the boob. But that makes no never mind, my mother never breastfed me or my sister, by choice. I have a friend who cannot breast her child 'cause the bugger won't latch. Are they all subject to the New World regime according to a high-paid supermodel? Heck no.

See, this is why I hate celebrities who all of a sudden caught on to being a mom like it's new. They start talking mess like "breastfeeding helped me get my shape back" or "look at me, I just popped out home skillet last week and now I'm in Playboy." F-You! Where's Brook Shields to keep it real right now? I'm crawling out of damn near two years of post traumatic self-loathing and bodily crashes. Currently, my son is a bouncy toddler with the stamina of the entire New England Patriots teams - and just as strong - without a teat.

Don't get me wrong. I can understand the benefits of breastfeeding. There are the immune benefits, the vitamin benefits, cancer fighting benefits, weight-loss benefits, the bonding between mommy and child benefits, etc. But let's also not forget that latching that pup to your boob has some adverse effects mentally and physically to you. First off, there is the pesky leakage that can happen anywhere, anytime when you forget to bring the pump or child (i.e. working moms who breastfeed). Second, the biting - enough said. Third, the misshapened, almost barely recognizable thing that used to be your nipple. That is gonna take a while to comeback, gals. Fourth, shenanigans in that area will never be what it once was with hubby or boyfriend until you've both gotten over the trauma. I've got stories - mine and others!

Believe it or not, there are mammy farms out there for women like me who have issues breastfeeding but would like their kids to benefit from it. You can check out Craigslist for it, I heard. Don't know how I'd feel about grabbing boob milk from someone else, but then again we drink regular animal milk without personally knowing Bessie the cow. But formula is not the evil empire, despite charging like they are. You just have to make sure you are feeding your child the right stuff and have a good report with your doctor to make sure Lil' Johnny or Lil' Susie is on track. DON'T TAKE PARENTAL ADVISE FROM CELEBS! CALL YOUR MOTHER OR AUNT OR GRANDMOTHER. SOMEBODY WHO HAS HAD A CHILD MORE THAN A FREAKIN' DAY.

Another part of the article that worked my solid was how Ms. Bundchen dared to claim [once again, insert ditsy, Brazilian accent here], “I think breastfeeding really helped me keep my figure.” No ma'am, that contract with Victoria Secrets kept your body in check. Although breastfeeding has been linked to weight loss, it doesn't work for everyone. Plus, it helps to be a high paid celeb with access to the best trainers (her husband's a football God for goodness sake!), best food, best doctors (plastic or otherwise), and best support system money can freakin' buy. Let me tell you something, Gis. We all ain't got it that way! Nor need to have it that way.

My son is doing just fabulous sans the breast milk. I respect, even envy gals (a little mind you), who breastfed their kids, but I think my boy is right on track to take Gisele's man's job in 2028. Til then, please just shaddup, enjoy your boy and stop working the rest of mothers.