A Letter to Octavian - From the Book of Che

Dear Ockie,

I made an adult realization today. It was something I voiced but had voiced in times of annoyance and frustration and couldn't hold it in water because the vase it was in was so full of holes. As your father drove me to the train station, his one simple statement about my not complaining about work made me realize that I was a square block mercilessly jamming myself into a triangle shape. But what I said was one of the most selfless things I could have said, "I think I serve my job an injustice by being there."

Let me tell you what I mean, Diddles. Sure, I show up on time, I do what I need to do for my department, I offer the best customer service to my customers and colleagues, but my heart is not here. I don't spring from my bed saying, "Yay, I'm going to my crappy ass job!" I drag myself there because of my responsibility to you and your father. Without said job, you and I wouldn't be able to see the doctors. Without said job, I can't pay for you to have fun at play school or the house over our head. But, baby, I am not being a good role model to you.

So, I hope when you get older and read this, you'll take with you these lessons I picked up (or more oftentimes failed at) along the way.

* Dreams are just life plans with glitter on it. Don't be afraid to actually put some flesh behind them.
* For as much as you put into plans, be able to let go and have fun. If you get so hung up on the details, you miss out on the fun.
* Don't wait for someone to tell you to do something (i.e. pick up your toys). Do you know how much joy you bring someone when you just do something. Oh, here's a tip, try not to get annoyed when they sarcastically say, "Wow, you're doing dishes!"
* You're only alone if you stay alone.
* Be you. Know you. Prove it to you. You (and maybe the Man Upstairs) are the only person you have to impress, because if you wait around for other humans to recognize and adore you, you're gonna be disappointed everytime.
* Know when to Cuss and Carry on. Sometimes it's the thing to do with a few choice friends.
* Laugh. 'Cause if you don't laugh, you'll cry.
* All things die, baby. But memories don't - hold them closest to your heart, but be inspired by them not saddened.
* Fight for the one you love. Even when the world says it won't work. If you believe it, then only God can part you.
* Sometimes love ain't got a lick a sense. I know, boyo. Trust me, I know.
* No one ever runs on time.
* Learn as much as you can from your mom and dad about your history. You'd be surprised at how bad ass your ancestors were.
* If your parents come from a foreign country, make it your mission to touch that Earth at least once before you go.
* If you're gonna be wrong, be wrong strong! Don't be afraid of making a mistake or being embarrassed. You gotta learn somehow.
* Don't be afraid to say I'm sorry. If your words hurt someone, if your hands hurt someone, if your silence hurt someone, be man or woman enough to say I'm sorry.
* It takes two of you to argue, but it only takes one of you to be the bigger person. Calmer heads will always prevail.
* By the way, you're not always right!
*And, honey, momma has always failed this, but hopefully you won't, don't let your emotions rule your features. Have a poker face, when it's necessary. Humans are humans and they will use your emotions against you.
* Giving up is the worse thing you can do!
* You can live a normal life with a chronic disease.
* At birth, you were given a temple to take care of. Don't be cruel and let your house of flesh and blood be overrun with weeds and ill-repair. In order to maintain your land, be good to it and fill it with only good things.
* Drugs are highly overrated. Trust me, you're wasting your time, money and life trying to feed an addiction.
* Oh, by the way, anything is an addiction. If you don't learn moderation now it will haunt you.
* Once in a while, stand completely naked in front of a mirror and check yourself out. Now wait, don't look at your flaws. Look at the things you like. Be proud of the framework you have. So many people are unhappy with themselves because some person or magazine or show done told them how to look or dress. Baby, beauty is how you perceive it. If something makes you happy, then it's beautiful and let no one tell you different.
* Treat everyone you meet with a clean slate, unless they prove themselves otherwise. No one race is better than the other. No sexuality that supersedes the other. There are assholes in all cultures and social circles, just find the good ones and avoid the bad ones and you'll be fine. Stereotypes are just fodder for comedians.
* Love for the right reason. Grandma once said, "Love with interest, doesn't yield a thing."
* Pain is like rain. If you don't have it, you don't appreciate the sunshine and happy times.
* Education is a right and you should learn as much as you can about everything, but try not to be a know it all. Remember, know-it-alls get kicked out Smurf Village.
* When you know it's time to leave someplace, always leave on good terms. It wasn't all bad, so don't make it like it was.
* There is no shame in a man crying, honey. You are human and you have a right to feel. 
* And if you can't please yourself, you can't please anyone.
* This one's for when you get older. Learn how all your parts work, and don't be afraid of your sexuality. Whether gay or straight, be comfortable in your skin to share yourself with someone who will respect you in the morning. Life is too short and too dangerous to be sexually naive. Don't be afraid to be selective about your partners. Don't be afraid to try new things - that you're comfortable with. Don't be afraid to love yourself. There's nothing wrong with that! Learn to be an unselfish lover - and teach your lover to love you.
* Lastly, be a spirit of the Earth, and don't get caught up in man made religions. Every Creed offers a lesson about the High Power of this world. God (whatever form you take him) is everywhere. He'll be there for you when you need guidance. Life is a classroom and a chapel. It's up to you if you want to attend.

Ockie, I certainly would never vote myself World's Greatest Mom. I know there are times where I feel like I've failed you, but I can only keep trying and learning how to make this work. Baby, I promise to try to be a better role model for you and prove that if you do put your mind to it your hard work does count for something. Life is a scary ass journey, but it's so much fun trying to get to the end. Always know that momma loves you with every fiber of her heart and soul, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Love and smoochies,

Momma

P.S. Pray for me, y'all!

Anxiety...

So there I was last night exhausted as all get out, when a dreadful thought claimed me. I vaguely recalled a show joking about a cubicle being half the size of a jail cell. My God. That is so true. Believe it or not, I actually began to panic. Yes, people, I panicked like a ho in church. I began to sweat. Then I began to pace. Is this what I signed on for when I signed on to this thing called Life? Jesus, this is a horrible assignment.

I know some of you are reading this and thinking, "She's gone bananas." But I know there are good number of you who feel my pain. You wake up, get dressed, eat/don't eat, catch a bus/drive, get to work, sigh, do your job, eat/don't eat, try to finish out your day, get back on the bus/drive, get home, eat/don't eat, sleep. Repeat. Pepper in some bathroom time and that's it. 

Today, as I strolled through the train station, I compared everyone around me to a herd of gazelles, bumping and trotting to their destination. We were all moving through the valley and I just wanted to break from the pack. However, I didn't want to be the one mowed down by a lion. So, I kept moving along the line. Ugh!

There is this piece of me that wants to make a difference, but another piece that could really care less. God, that sounds so shallow. I want to pursue the things I love, but they sound so silly. I know what I'm good at, but continue to do the things I am horrible at.

THAT'S IT!

I am tired of being so bloody wishy-washy with myself. I got two ovaries (because I don't have balls, people, follow me) and a lot of gumption. How do I not wake up on Sunday morning, worried about Monday morning? Hmmmm.

I'll get back to you when it kicks in... Pray for me, y'all.